alien from outer space speaks at conference on climate change

This June, a conference held at Red Rock Summit on Global Climate Change featured an unlikely key note speaker – an alien from outer space.  Pictured here, the alien was not photographable by traditional means.  The alien (and her species) secrete a kind of light-bending oil from the skin (as seen in the film Predator, only in this case, totally real).  Thus, the alien was only photographable as a silhouette.

“The challenges your species – your globe – now faces… are enormous,” said the alien, in flawed English, as gleaned from years of 80s sitcoms like Gilligan’s Island and Seinfeld which beam into space from planet Earth.  “We’ve monitored your planet for millennia – yes there is a natural cooling and warming trend that comes with a variation in your orbit.  Over the years there have been ice ages and near-tropical global temperatures due to this ‘wobble’ in the path around your star.  As your scientists have discovered, drawing from the layers of glacial ice, you can get a picture of the extra carbon present in your atmosphere during times of warming.

“However,” the alien went on, “Carbon 12 is an element that is present only in recent history – since the beginning of your burning of fossil fuels.  The current increase in temperature is unprecedented and very dramatic.”  The alien blinked at the ambitious crowd of scientists, developers, politicians, and sociologists.  Her oval, opal eyes – if they could have been directly observed – would have seemed to gleam from within.  “The debate is over.  If you want to debate, you just go ahead and take it up with the stewards of the afterlife when you meet them, because you’ll be fried along with everyone else.”

There were audible gasps in the crowd.  People murmured and shifted.  Some commented that the alien could be “communist.”

Telepathically, as it were, the alien responded to the group:  I am not communist.  Neither am I capitalist, Republican, Democrat.  My race is something else entirely – we tend to function something like your ‘Kramer’ on Seinfeld.  We are in the moment, we take things at face value, and we are not afraid to explore new things.  Be forewarned of even more violent weather patterns, mass migration due to unlivable weather and coastal flooding, and the ensuing food shortages.

After a shocked silence in the room, the alien continued verbally.  First, she was asked by a reporter why she was here.  She explained it was only a matter of time, she and her species figured, before we blasted off of planet Earth in search of a new home.  “There’s not as much room in Space as you may think,” she warned.  “So before you just abandon ship, see if you can’t ride out the storm.”

The alien also noted her kind was not content with being called “aliens,” and preferred the term “Space Friendlies” or “Mulvas.”

Jim Jenkins, AP

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addict THIS

as an addict, and a moron, any pleasant experience i have i try like hell to replicate. this isn’t just addict behavior, of course, but human nature. the thing the addict brings to the table is that he will try and replicate a good day he had, and in the process entirely fuck up the day at hand.

my son is an addict. he has a problem with lollipops. if he gets a good lollipop, and has a pleasant lolly-sucking experience, he soon wants and needs to repeat it. those billions of cells want to gobble those lolly-juice peptides right up. likewise, if he has an UNpleasant lolly experience – say, a brown lolly when the wrapper portended orange, or, getting to the center and chewing too soon or too fast — crack, crunch crunch, oh goddammit, no more lolly – then he wants to go back to the lollipop man and get another so he can soothe the unsatisfied, jonesing, kill-ready lust within him.

he’s four.