New Study Shows that Afterlife Exists, but Only for Atheists

afterlife cell pic

A study that was conducted recently cites the relationship of the Higgs-Boson particle to The Field of Dark Matter, along with other scientific mumbo jumbo, in proving the existence of the Afterlife, a place that only admits atheists into its eternal bliss, however.

“It seems that God is not without a sense of irony,” said Pastor Jim Taylor.

“We’re closing down the synagogue,” said Rabbi Benjamin Seidenstein, “and going to Starbucks next Saturday instead of Temple.”

For millennia, people of Earth have believed in some form of god – Yaweh, Allah, Zoroaster, The Moon, Obama, and others.  In most cases, the religion ascribed to that god has involved a type of afterlife – a place human souls depart to upon mortal death (and usually only upon some form of spiritual expiation) that is paved with golden streets overrun with solicitous virgins working the corners.

The study, conducted by scientists around the globe, in part at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, as well as on the Russian Space Station, Mir, and at the Hubble Space Telescope, represents the largest coordinated scientific effort to date, and a lot of things to say in one sentence.

Using the Hubble telescope, researchers peered deep into Space, while scientists at CERN smashed atoms together in the Hadron Collider; they were looking in the other direction – into the inner space of the tiniest observable particulate matter – the neutrino.

“The neutrino tells us quite a story,” said Swiss scientist Werner Mathis in a silly Swiss-German accent which made him hard to understand.  “Trillions of these tiny particles are passing through you, me, that chair over there, right this very instant.  So, we ask ourselves the question: where do they go?  And so, we followed them.”

Coordinating with Mir and the Hubble Telescope was no easy feat.  Astronomer Guy Wannaker said, “We were texting constantly.  My phone was totally blowing up.”

The location of a group of 3.3 trillion neutrinos was tracked by a mathematician named Orgo Maddox.  Electromagnetically “tagged” by Maddox, Mir Space station did the initial tracking of the herd of neutrinos as they left the atmosphere while feeding the coordinates to Wannaker.

“Though I don’t know that ‘herd,’ is the right term for this group of neutrinos,” Wannaker said.  “I like that you can call a group of crows a ‘murder’ of crows.  And then there’s an ‘unkindness’ of ravens – that’s really cool.  In Australia they have kangaroos, right?  And they say, a ‘mob of kangaroos.’  That’s kind of great; it makes the kangaroos seem like they might be carrying weapons, like bats or tommy guns.  Can you imagine that? Kangaroos with bats and tommy guns.”


Wannaker was able to effectively “watch” the neutrinos as they traveled 42 light years into Outer Space, passing the beautiful horsehead nebulae, and making a left turn at the farthest observable extrasolar planet, and continuing on from there.

“And that’s where I found the afterlife, and that’s where I saw them.”

Wannaker became emotional telling the story.  “T.H. Huxley, Nietzsche, Max Stirner, uhm, other noteworthy dead atheists – they were all right there.  It was wild; it was like 2001: A Space Odyssey.  I felt like that guy in the space helmet with all those colors coming at him.  Man, he looked really fucking freaked out, didn’t he?”

afterlife choicesThe discovery of the afterlife in the deep cosmos did not turn up any believers, Wannaker said.  “You know, you expect to see Mother Theresa there.  Martin Luther King, Jr. …I just couldn’t make sense of it.”

“When you look that far back into Space,” explained Wannaker after he had settled himself down with a few cocktails, “You’re looking back in time.  We essentially looked into the beginning of the universe – that’s where the neutrinos had returned.”

Baffled by his findings, and half-drunk from tee many martoonies, Wannaker made a phone call.

He called Pastor Jim Taylor.

Taylor explained that the afterlife has no time; that it is the beginning and the end of all life.

“It’s weird, you know?  We’ve got proof that the afterlife exists, but you can’t believe in it if you want to get there.  It’s like one of those Chinese finger torture things.  Well, no, I guess it’s not like that.  But it shows us that God is even more mysterious than we first thought.”

Asked whether he would continue his practice as a pastor, Taylor said, “I would stop believing in a heartbeat and become an atheist, but, I just can’t.  I make $28,000 a year as a pastor, and my family needs the money.  Anyway, this cosmic geography where the afterlife was discovered is arbitrary.  I bet science will show us next that rank-and-file believers, you know, Christmas Eve Christians and people with one foot out the door, they’ll show up as having a place in the afterlife, too.  And it will go on from there.  That’s the thing with science, it’s like watching House of Cards or something – you just got to stick around to find out what happens next.”